I used to have insomnia so I could not sleep for hours thinking about my life and then imagining how I would like for it to be like.
I had so many ideas and dreams, and even if I could not easily fall asleep, I was excited for what I am imagining and feel like I desire.
Many of my dreams did come true. The downside of it is they came with a lof of dissapointments as well. With the societies rules, with the unfairness of so many domains I have been active in.
I worked very much for my dreams. I had ambition, drive, courage to go further even if so many times I did not feel like it and I felt doubt instead.
At some point in my life, being hurt by the energy that was not mine, I stopped dreaming being awake before falling asleep. I got comfortable and it got so easy to fall asleep in few minutes after laying down. For a long period of time I thought this is a good thing and my insomnia is now healed. I got used with not dreaming big anymore and with settling in the comfort of the known, in the zone where there is no risk of falling from up above. But not being in front of the posibility of falling does not actually mean you are not down. It just maybe means you are always there. And you just like not being dissapointed. Just continously being in that state of nothingness where there are no risks.
After hitting a rock bottom in my life, not being able to enjoy the days and moments anymore, having anxiety and panic attacks, I was forced to start doing things that I love again.
I started dancing again, something I used to do so much in my childhood and adolescenty, I started to take time with me in nature, to lay on the grass, to admire the moon and the trees, to rise in love again with what I so much enjoy connecting with.
It took a long time to recover from the bottom. To step by step, with so much will, listen to myself more, know myself again, rediscovering what I am right now and what I actually want to be.
There are so many processes in this journey. And I came to realize that trully and authentically loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do.
Really really actually listening to yourself. To the voice inside that actually knows what you need to do in order to be in touch with your spirit, body and mind.
The more evolved you are as a spirit, the harder it will be. And yes, exactely where is hard, through and beyond that is the accomplishment. The realisation. The awarness point.
There have been 3 years now of coming back to myself. In so many different ways. And I still have things I have to understand myself for. I still procrastinate on the things that do me good and inspire me. I still let myself believe I am not enough.
But just a while ago, one night, I still had the mood of being awake. And instead of keep playng the next episode of the series I was watching, or scroll some more on the phone, I chose to go to bed and imagine. Something I did not do for soooo long.
And it was so beautiful. I was in my own dream, in my own beautiful frequency. The life I was living in my own dream, was perfection.
And yes, maybe one day that perfection will come, and yet, it will still have it s own dissapoiments. Maybe in the end it will not turn out as I thought.
But I am alive! I want to feel these emotions, I want to desire, I want to create, I want to want things for myself and that want to not be out of lack, but out of so much abundance that life provides us.
And everytime you dream, you dream better and better.
Now I know more, I understand more. And I would have not been here if it wasn't for all the other dreams I used to have.
I would have never created the one I am now, without all that I lived until now.
I don t want to only be down. I want to be up and down, everywhere, all the time, every moment, every now.
And if sometimes I forget to fully live again, I want to understand myself. Accept myself in the process. Validating every experience and feeling I am living through. And this way I won t get stuck there anymore. Because I know that I feel like keep living life. I know I am curious beyond the fear. I know I am excited beyond boredom, I know I am alive despite procrastinating. I know this is my journey and it is not any others's. I accept it and I thank the universe for it, for everything.
I am so grateful for letting myself dream again.
Because I discovered something beautiful. Letting myself dream again made me realize and become conscious when in the "real" life things are not aligning with my frequency and the way that I am. I realised that through imagining I am actually creating my reality as I don't get cought in what's not it anymore. I can still experience it and learn from it. But not attach to it and let it become my poison.
I am free to realize the universe is me. And I choose it. I create it with all my thoughts, words, actions and reactions. I am creating it with everything I am and let myself aspire to. I am creating it with all my emotions, with all the greatness and dissapoiments, with all the colours of living an experience.
I love myself, even if not fully yet, I am getting there. And I am so thankful for it.
I am thankful for this magical power we have. Of being... ALIVE!
